Moving Forward
by Not All Fun and Games
Summary: Abby narrates her return to Arkadia after the fall of A.L.I.E. Everyone is broken by it, but they have to start putting their lives back together. Post 3x16, before the release of Season 4. Disclaimer: I own nothing
1. Chapter 1

I didn't leave Clarke's side the entire way back to Arkadia. While we'd left the wounded and those too exhausted to walk in Polis, I couldn't leave Clarke, and I'd tied her to a horse to make sure she'd make it back. She only stirred a few times, when she'd mutter apologies and fall back asleep. Bellamy walked on the other side. He seemed to be in a trance. I didn't try to talk about Octavia with him, but anyone could see that her departure had broken him. He held onto Clarke's hand like she could save him.

I looked over at Marcus, walking beside Bellamy. His face was still, with no indication of the breakdown after Clarke had broken our link with A.L.I.E. He didn't look like someone who'd just tried to kill the boy walking next to him. Marcus had been instrumental in getting everyone down from the tower after the insurgency had blown the elevator shaft. Marcus and Bellamy had worked together, both shoving back their pain.

I tried not to think of Jaha, walking a way behind me, because when I did I wanted to kill him.

The party that walked through Arkadia's gates at dawn was a silent one. The mist cloaked our footsteps and Arkadia felt cold and unwelcoming. After all, we'd brought about the downfall of its people.

As we trudged through the yard, Raven emerged from the front door, limping badly. Her pain was written all over her face.

'You should be resting,' I said, but my voice shook, and it had no conviction. I couldn't play the confident doctor anymore, not after all the people I'd hurt.

'It's ok, doc,' she said. Miraculously, her voice retained its levity. 'I'd rather be in pain.' She smiled tentatively, then hugged me tight. 'Thanks for saving me, doc.'

I didn't need to say anything back. She quickly set to work on the ropes that tied Clarke down, then with Bellamy and I, helped lower her from the horse's back. Bellamy took her in his arms, for which I was grateful; I would have been useless right now. I hadn't given myself enough time to recover after being strangled before I walked from Polis to Arkadia.

'Take her to the hospital,' I said, once again trying to infuse my voice with the authority of the camp's doctor. It just felt so fake.

I followed, uncaring for the moment about how the rest of Arkadia would settle in. Bellamy settled her in one of the beds, where she seemed to rouse slightly. Her eyelids flickered open, and tears slid down her cheeks.

A hand on my shoulder made me jump.

Marcus was smiling sadly down at me. He had this way of smiling that turned his mouth down. It squeezed my chest to see it. He was trying so hard to be strong.

'They need you, Abby.'

'No one needs me,' I said, not able to look Marcus in the face either. It was my fault he'd taken the chip. It was my fault Arkadia had fallen.

'It's not your fault, Abby.' It was Raven in the doorway. My eyes immediately went to the bandages at her wrists. They were filthy. Dark circles cupped her eyes, and her mouth turned down at the edges as well, but her eyes were as piercing as ever.

'I did this, Raven. I told everyone it was safe.

'I looked up at Marcus, who looked at me with such tenderness I had to look away again.

'It was A.L.I.E, Abby,' said Raven. She was at her most no-nonsense. 'You couldn't have fought her.'

'You did.' This was a source of greater shame than I wanted to admit. Raven had managed to fight A.L.I.E's influence, when I couldn't.

'Abby. You are the closest thing we have to a leader now,' said Kane. 'You need to go out there and tell your frightened people that they're going to be ok.'

'You do it,' I snapped, 'I need to stay with Clarke.'

'Clarke will be fine, Abby,' said Kane.

'I'll stay with her,' said Raven.

Clarke was asleep again, and Bellamy hadn't left her side. He sat, holding her hand, staring into nothingness. I was willing to bet he hadn't even heard our conversation.

Raven limped over to us, and put her hand on my other arm. 'You were the best Chancellor we ever had. No offence, sir,' she added wryly to Marcus. He smiled a real smile, then. Raven's attempts at jollity, even so half-hearted as they were, warmed me.

'Let's go out there together, Abby,' he said, 'they need to know we can all make it through this. Together.'

The milling crowd outside looked lost.

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. Marcus squeezed my hand, and stepped up to the stage.

'People of Arkadia,' he began. I couldn't take it. He looked so calm and sure as he convinced the people that they would all pull through; that their strength was up to the challenge facing them as we got through this together.

In my mind I saw his face while he was placed on the cross. He begged me to wake up, and I ordered grounders to nail him to the cross for the crime of protecting my daughter. He allowed me to drive nails through his body rather than give up Clarke. He only gave up to save my life. I'd let him down time and again. Now he was stepping up to be the leader I didn't deserve to be.

He finished his speech to cheers from the crowd, as families began the process of knitting themselves back into a unit and back into Arkadia with the help of his words.

He stepped down from the podium to me. He only had eyes for me but his gaze burned me.

'I've got to see if anyone needs help,' I said lamely.

'Abby,' he objected, but that was his only protest as I walked away.

There were some minor injuries; none severe enough for immediate care. I directed a few to the hospital to get injuries cleaned up, but they were mostly older injuries, or injuries of the soul which I could do nothing about.

I saw Jasper sitting in a corner, his head on Monty's shoulder. He looked like he'd lived three lifetimes since he'd rescued Raven from Arkadia. Since I'd let my people shoot at him and my daughter.

There was no one I could look at without pain. Jackson was doing the same as I was doing, with probably the same look on his face. He didn't want to think of what we'd done. When he caught my eye, I'm sure he only saw the woman holding a gun aimed at his chest, ready to pull the trigger. We both dropped our eyes quickly.

I realised I'd done all I could do when I found myself back at the hospital after dark. The whole day had gone and I'd managed to avoid all the people I needed to.

Bellamy seemed to be dozing in the chair beside Clarke's bed, but Clarke was awake. She looked at me with such hope, that it squeezed my heart. She might have been forced to grow up too young, but she was still my little girl, and I think she still expected me to heal her hurts.

'Where does it hurt?' I asked, stroking the hair back from her forehead like I used to when she was a toddler waking up from a bad dream. This was a bad dream times a million.

'Everywhere,' she said. Tears started streaming from her eyes. 'I don't know what I can do,' she whispered. 'I don't know what I should have done. I'm so sorry.'

'You saved us all,' I whispered, 'you did everything you could do and more.' Thinking about how close my daughter had come to death, _again_ , made my throat close up and I couldn't say any more.

She closed her eyes, the way I had been doing; blocking something out. I wanted to ask her about what had happened in the City of Light, but she needed time, and I would give her that.

'Can I come in?' It was Monty.

'Monty?' Asked Clarke, hopefully. 'Are you all ok? Is Jasper ok? I saw him in the City of Light.'

'Jasper's…' he broke off, clearly he couldn't justify the use of "fine", and I didn't blame him.

'I'll leave you for the time being. I'm here whenever you need me, Clarke,' I said, squeezing her hand. Her eyes begged for something, but I couldn't tell what. Understanding? Forgiveness? All things I needed from her. I was projecting my feelings onto her, I was sure of it.

Marcus was waiting outside. I didn't object as he fell into step beside me. I didn't know where I was going until we passed a few people who nodded at us. 'Chancellors,' they said. It was an acknowledgement. We made our way to the Chancellor's chambers. We needed to make plans for Arkadia's future again. It felt so familiar.

He only spoke when we were alone.

'Abby,' he said. The look was back on his face. Gone was the confident leader. The man who'd cried in my arms only yesterday was back.

I wrapped my arms around him again; it seemed only natural to hold him close when he needed me.

'I should never have left you here,' he whispered. Our parting, which felt like decades ago, lingered in the air, but another kiss intruded between us. When I'd manipulated him into betraying everyone and everything he believed in.

I stood back. He looked at me longingly but I cleared my throat and changed the subject.

'We need to start moving forward,' I said.

'Abby, stop.' He gripped my wrist and pulled me back towards him. 'Stop trying to run away.'

'I just want to make sure we're ok.'

'We're not ok. We're not ok by a long shot. _You're_ not ok, Abby. Talk to me.'

'About how I betrayed you?'

'And I betrayed you? I would have killed you to get to Clarke and then I would have killed her. I almost killed Bellamy.' His voice broke on Bellamy's name. After trying so hard to save him, A.L.I.E had put them on different sides again. 'I strung Indra up to die.' I remembered his face when he had helped Octavia finish taking Indra off the cross. Indra had only been semi-conscious when Octavia had taken her away, but Marcus had wanted to object. He had so much he wanted redemption for, but we all did, and it was going to take time.

'I tortured her,' I admitted, quietly. It was the first time since I'd woken up and been hit with it that I truly felt what I'd done. Marcus's face froze at my admission, because he saw the horror on my face. This wasn't another tick on the list of things we'd all done under A.L.I.E's influence. This was different.

'Who?' He asked, but he already knew the answer.

'Clarke,' I croaked out.

He wrapped his arms around me again, and I couldn't resist. I'd never been held like this before. He was giving my absolute permission to feel it all and I did. All the pain I'd caused flooded through me, but Marcus kept me together.

I don't know how long had passed, but eventually my head cleared and he was still holding me. We were sitting on the ground; his arms formed a solid cocoon.

I nestled my head into his neck and realised something that I had only had an inkling of when he'd been sentenced to death. I would never love anyone as much as I loved Clarke, but here was another person I would never be able to live without.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

As I slid the scalpel into Clarke's chest, I awoke with a start. I tried to sit up, but Marcus's arms inadvertently restrained me. He'd woken when I jumped, but he was taking longer to come to alertness.

"Abby?" He murmured, sleepily. His hand ran down my back reassuringly and I shivered. We'd fallen asleep holding each other but that was as far as it had gone. There was so much still between us.

"Go back to sleep, Marcus," I said. I said his name almost as a talisman; a way to ground myself in my current reality and a way to soothe away some of the nightmare.

I sat up, and he let his arms fall back but he sat up as I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and got to my feet. My head swam and I realised how long it had been since I'd eaten.

There were crackers by the bed, and the waterbottle from my pack still had a few mouthfuls left, so that was my breakfast.

Marcus sat on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands. I put the crackers next to him and he looked up at me with raised eyebrows.

I put my hand on his cheek, and he covered it with his own.

It was a new day, and the heavy task of healing lay before us.

"I have to visit Clarke," I said.

"I know." He sighed heavily, and put a hand on either side of his legs.

Arkadia was eerily quiet. The route to the hospital was empty. When I got there, it was abandoned except for Jackson.

"Abby," he said, getting to his feet, "Clarke told me not to let you worry. She didn't want to feel like an invalid, so she's moved back to her room."

"Thank you, Jackson."

"You should have shot me," he said, so quietly I almost missed it.

I strode over to him and put my hand on his shoulder. "You have your memories back, and your pain. Most importantly, your passion. Don't let A.L.I.E take away who you are, Jackson." He turned away.

It would have to do. I grabbed my kit and headed back the way I'd come, in search of Clarke.

A few more people had stirred.

Clarke was in her room, as Jackson had said, but not alone. Raven was in there with her.

"Don't wear her out," I said to Raven, who actually smiled as I came through the door. The smile looked almost obscene.

"Mum?" Asked Clarke. She still wasn't focused on the outside world. I wondered again what had happened in the City of Light.

"How are you feeling?" Clarke sat up in her bed, and Raven sat on the chair, so I sat beside Clarke. I checked her pulse and her temperature. Both seemed, miraculously, normal.

She glanced at Raven, and didn't speak. Raven didn't know what I'd done.

"Can I check your chest?" I asked. I didn't want to keep secrets anymore.

"It's fine," she said, but she stripped off her shirt anyway. I'd put makeshift bandages on them when I'd done it, but the blood had seeped through.

I filled the basin in the corner with water, and used a clean cloth to clean them.

"What happened?" Asked Raven.

"A.L.I.E." said Clarke, like that was an answer. Which it was, in Raven's books.

"Through me," I said. Raven only nodded sadly.

"I'm sorry," she said to me. Her compassion washed over me unbearably.

"What happened here, Raven?" I asked. "Jasper took the key?"

"Yeah. I don't know how. But he's… fine… now."

"As fine as the rest of us, I suppose."

"Something like that."

"And how are you, Raven?" I asked, as I pressed new bandages down.

"Glad to have our Chancellor back."

"I thought I sucked at it."

"Ok, then, doc, glad to have my friend back." She smiled at me.

"Well, after what you did for all of us in the City of Light, you can tell Sinclair that he takes orders from you now," I joked. Her face froze and tears collected in her eyes. "Raven?"

"No one told you," she whispered. Clarke came back to the present at Sinclair's name, too.

"Sinclair's dead, mum," said Clarke. "Emerson killed him."

"I'm so sorry," I said, to both of them. My heart, already filled with death, seemed to expand a bit more. I felt sure it would burst with all the tragedy. Sinclair had been a good man, and fought alongside Marcus and Lincoln to get rid of Pike.

I was done with losing good people.

A knock on the door brought us out of our introspection. Clarke still looked distant, but Raven wiped the tears from her eyes and tried to hike her smile up.

It was Bellamy.

"Chancellor Griffin," he said formally. "Kane wants to see you."

"I'm not the Chancellor," I said.

"You're the closest thing we have." Raven nodded her agreement at that.

I looked at Clarke. As far as I was concerned, it was her decision. I wasn't going to make any more decisions for my daughter.

"You've got to keep us together," she said, nodding her own agreement at Bellamy's words.

"But you're still in charge, right?" I asked wryly. She widened her eyes in terror. She never wanted to be in charge. My beautiful daughter had only ever wanted to protect people. It was in her nature, and she would never be able to get rid of that part of her, but it ate her up inside to make decisions that cost us all so much.

"When you three have found something to eat, I want you to meet me in the Chancellor's rooms." I said.

"We've got to work this out as a team. And I think Clarke needs to tell us something." From the look on Bellamy's face I knew he knew as well, and Raven seemed to suspect the same thing I did. Clarke had come out of the City of Light looking more scared than she'd gone into it. Something was wrong.

"Kane's in the mess," said Bellamy.

"Alright, meet me there."

As I walked into the mess, I saw what looked like the entirety of Arkadia there having breakfast. People were serving, and it looked almost normal.

I walked between the packed tables and people greeted me with smiles. I heard many greet me with 'Chancellor'. It made my throat close up. They still had hope.

Marcus was sitting with Harper, Jasper, and Monty. Miller wouldn't have wanted to leave Brian's side, and I didn't blame him.

"How are you, Jasper," I asked as I sat with them.

He looked down, away from my eyes. He'd wanted so desperately to escape his pain, and he'd finally succumbed. I couldn't fault him for that.

I laid my hand on his shoulder instead. "It's good to have you back with us."

Monty smiled at his friend, bleakly. There was so much I needed to get caught up on.

"We need to start rebuilding this place," said Marcus, jumping straight into it. "It's not going to take the Grounders long to blame us for the City of Light."

"I say we give them Jaha," said Harper. I flinched at the harshness in her voice. For her part in rescuing Marcus and the others, I could never be thankful enough, but her anger seemed out of proportion here.

"I say we punish him ourselves," added Monty.

"He was just as much a victim as us," I said.

"Victim, my arse," said Jasper. "He left looking for the City of Light, and came back to destroy us."

That was true. He'd been just as obsessed by the City of Light before he'd even been chipped.

I stood. "I have to find him." On the trek home, most people had ignored him, but as people settled, there would be backlash. I couldn't let him be killed before we decided what to do with him.

He was outside.

I almost turned around and walked away when I saw him. He was, unbelievably, smiling. He was sitting cross-legged on the ground outside the gate, meditating. It looked like his chip had never been disconnected. I knew that wasn't the case; I'd seen him wake up when the rest did, but he looked exactly like A.L.I.E's minion that I'd been fighting.

"Thelonious?" I asked tentatively. His face opened like that of a sleeping man wakening.

He smiled wider when he saw me and the placid look did not leave his face. "Abby," he said, "what can I do for you?"

I wanted to kill him myself. I even reached for the gun I'd carried home, but I'd left it behind. Luckily, or I might have shot him then.

"And Kane," he said, looking behind me. Before I could turn, Marcus's hand was on my arm.

"Thelonious," said Marcus, his voice full of the shock I had felt. "You look… well."

"You have looked better, Kane; are you finally learning the downfalls of leadership?" Marcus's hand tightened on my arm and I felt his whole body tense.

"We need you to come with us, Thelonious," I said.

"You need to lock me up so they don't kill me," he said, knowingly.

We marched him back into Arkadia. I felt better as soon as we closed the lockup door on him. He, on the other hand, seemed perfectly at ease the entire time. He smiled as we left him in lockup.

"If I didn't know better, I'd say he was still chipped," said Marcus, as we walked away.

"Marcus," I said slowly, though I knew we didn't really have time for this. The others would be waiting. "I don't know what to do now."

He stopped and turned me to look at him. "Whatever happens, we're in this together, remember?" He smiled; that smile that told me I was the most important person in the world.

The mess was emptier when we got back, but one table contained Clarke and her friends; Raven, Bellamy, Monty, and Jasper. All people I trusted.

I took one look at Clarke's face and made a decision. "Chancellor's rooms, now."

Once there, people started taking seats. Some sat on the table, some on the couch, some sprawled on the floor. Clarke stayed standing.

"Alright, what is it, Clarke?" I asked.

She started crying. Bellamy held her hand, and I stood to wrap one arm around her shoulders.

"A.L.I.E told me something in the City of Light." She took a few deep breaths and then said it. "The nuclear reactors are melting down. We're all going to be dead in six months." There was dead silence for a few moments.

"That's not something we can survive," said Monty, his face a mask of fear.

Jasper started sniggering, with a hysteric edge to it. I could see tears running down his face at the same time, though.

"Should have kept us in the City of Light," he said, almost snarling at Clarke. Monty had to grab one of his arms to stop him leaping to his feet.

"That's enough, Jasper." I knew Jasper had been keenest on disappearing into a world without pain, but I was still shocked at his reaction.

"What are we going to do?" Asked Raven. I could already see the cogs working in her brain as she tried to come up with an answer to her own question. With Sinclair gone, I trusted no one more than Raven and Monty to come up with the answer.

"We're all gonna die! Or weren't you listening?" Spat Jasper. He stood, yanking his arm out of Monty's grasp, and stormed out. Monty leapt after him.

"Don't worry, I'll make sure he doesn't spread it," said Monty as he left.

"Maybe he should," said Marcus, quietly.

"And cause mass panic?" Asked Raven. She looked at me. "Doc, is there a way to survive critical radiation?" She asked rhetorically.

"Is there a way we can hide from it?" I countered.

She smiled. "I'm on it." She was, too. Her eyes were focused inward, where I'm sure ideas for radiation proof bunkers and elaborate filtration systems were already occurring to her. "I've just got to check a few things," she muttered, as she too left.

"We need the other Stations," I said, "Raven could work so much better with all that equipment."

"As long as that equipment isn't a pile of ash by now, or decorating a grounder's armour," muttered Bellamy.

Marcus gave me a look that I interpreted immediately. I should have had her make this announcement in private. He didn't know her like I did, though. Bellamy already knew; I was willing to bet the others would have known by the day's end. Miller, Bryan, and Harper would know, too.

Everyone would have to know eventually. I could feel Clarke's fear. I wanted to take the burden from her shoulders but I knew she wouldn't relinquish it.

"You need more rest, Clarke; what you did in the City of Light was too much."

"I had no choice," she said, but I sensed she wasn't answering me.

"You were right to bring us out of the City of Light," said Marcus, stepping up to where Clarke swayed slightly under Bellamy's supporting arm and grabbing her hands. "It's better to die free." She smiled tentatively up at him. He was so earnest, it was hard not to believe him.

"Rest," I said, "doctor's order."

She nodded. Bellamy steered her out of the room, and the door slid shut, with an eerie silence.

The room suddenly felt twice as small, and I was only too aware of Marcus standing behind me.

I turned around and looked up at him.

His eyes met mine with a searching look. "We can't let this keep coming between us," he said.

"Easy for you to say," I said in a low voice, but I knew it wasn't the case. This wasn't easy for him to talk about at all. The Kane from the Ark had been a man of little sentiment, and he still retained that discomfort for emotions.

"I just," I started, but didn't know what I was going to follow it up with.

"Did I make a mistake?" He asked, desperately searching for some kind of answer in my eyes.

"No," I cried, looking him straight in the eyes.

He leant down and kissed me. It had the same desperate edge as our parting kiss, but this time I could feel it all. I realised how little it resembled the kiss in Polis and how stupid I was to let that come in between us.

"Abby," he said, and the need in his voice was worth a thousand words that he could never say.

"We shouldn't be doing this now," I said, but my heart wasn't in it.

"When else? I should never have left you behind."

It didn't matter. We both had so much to make up for, but none of it mattered. Marcus's head in my hands, his lips pressed against my skin, were all that mattered. He was kissing me like he felt the same.

I pushed him down onto the couch. An echo of my manipulation in Polis tried to intrude but I shoved it back. This wasn't the same.

He kissed me desperately, holding me close on his lap.

I was meant to be a leader, and here I was acting like a 15 year old. It felt wonderful.

A knock on the door made us jump apart. Marcus reached out, like he would keep the moment together, but it had been broken.

It was Sergeant David Miller, who brought the entire weight of responsibility with him.

I looked at Marcus, who had squared his shoulders. He was ready to take it on. I wasn't. I wasn't ready to be the good example he thought I could be. I wasn't ready to combat a threat to our lives again.


	3. Chapter 3

When we'd finished reassembling some straggling mess of a guard, I was exhausted. I found myself back at the mess, finding some craving to be surrounded by my people, a feeling I'd never had before.

"Doc," said Raven as soon as I entered the mess, "if we can find more sections of the Ark, we can start putting together the filtration systems. Then all we need to do is create enough airlocks, like the one we put Emerson in." She seemed to shudder at that. I put my hand on her shoulder and encouraged her to continue. She nodded, and straightened her shoulders again. "I think our first priority is to run our searches for the other sections of the Ark."

"They could have fallen anywhere, Raven," said Marcus, slowly. "We searched for them for 3 months and only found Farm Station. And the Station is in Ice Nation. The others could be anywhere."

"And the Grounders aren't gonna be happy with us about the City of Light," said Bellamy. Marcus shot him a sharp look. "Or…" He trailed off guiltily.

I glared at Marcus. There was no need to remind the boy of his actions. Not while we were all working together towards fixing the results.

I looked around at the mess. The people with me; Raven, Clarke, Marcus, and even Bellamy, were the only people I trusted. I wasn't sure about Bellamy, but he kept coming through for Clarke, and I couldn't hold his sins against him if he was there for my daughter. The rest, I trusted completely. I looked around at the rest of the mess, and realised that the reason I didn't trust them was because they would follow us. They wouldn't hold us to account, and that terrified me. What if we made the wrong decisions?

"We need to tell our people," said Marcus, decisively, also looking around at the mess, but with a completely different expression. He looked trusting; too trusting, given they voted in Pike and his anti-grounder rhetoric.

"How do we tell people that the world is going to end, after everything we've been through?" Asked Clarke. We had taken seats in the corner of the mess, away from eavesdroppers, and she spoke quietly.

"We don't," said Bellamy, "they'll only panic." Marcus looked at him thoughtfully, stroking his beard gently, probably without even realising he did it. I know what he saw.

When Marcus had done everything in his power to prevent the people of the Ark finding out about the oxygen crisis, he had been a different man. He hadn't trusted his own people. Neither had I at first.

Looking at Clarke nodding in agreement to Bellamy, I realised she had never trusted her people, she had only trusted her dad.

I remember the desperation I had felt trying to save the 300 people on the Ark, trying to find a better way than culling our population. This felt the same. There was an ache in my chest that I couldn't get rid of. I knew that no matter what option we chose, people would die. I looked at Marcus, who was still in thought, watching Clarke and Bellamy. I realised that's how he would have felt, sentencing 300 people to death. In my memory, he was coldly declaring death as the only option, but it must have eaten him up inside.

"You and your dad were right, on the Ark," I said, breaking the small bubble of silence that had formed. Marcus jolted visibly, his eyes turning guarded at the mention of Jake.

Clarke stuck her chin up, not wanting to go near the topic of her dad, not when her and I had started reconnecting our ties.

"I never told you this," I began, and recounted the story of the culling of the 300, which the 100 kids had never heard.

Marcus grew graver as I told the story, and Bellamy seemed to turn whiter. Clarke shot him many glances, which I didn't understand.

"We never asked, but 300 people sacrificed themselves for their loved ones. They responded exactly as Jake predicted. It brought out the best in them."

I didn't tell them about the uprising after the culling, when the Ark realised the ground had been another option. I didn't want to deter them from their faith in humanity. Not now.

Raven nodded. "Let me have something to give them when you tell them."

Marcus nodded, softening the grave look into a smile for the young mechanic. "I'd like you to report back to me on any options we have," he said, "no matter how far-fetched. We can at least soften the news with some hope." I felt my heart swell with happiness, despite the topic.

"It was because of you," said Marcus softly, when the others had left. We were in a bubble in the almost deserted mess. His hand crawled into my lap and held mine.

"Huh?" I asked.

"Those people. They sacrificed themselves to you. They trusted in you. They never would have done that for me. I'm not sure they would have done it for Jaha. They did it for Doctor Griffin, who'd treated their kids, and knew their families."

I shook my head. "They did it for their own families. I just gave them a choice."

"Exactly," he said. His eyes were almost too intense to look at. "You changed a culling that would have destroyed our humanity into a sacrifice that reaffirmed everything good about us. That's when I realised I was wrong about you. Clarke wasn't your weakness; she gave you hope when I had given up."

It was the most sentiment he'd ever expressed to me.

Marcus's eyes burnt into me. "I never wanted to kill those people," he whispered intently. It felt like he was trying to get me to understand more than just this.

"I know," I said, but he shook his head.

"I knew it needed to be done. I didn't believe the ground was safe; I was just desperate for the Ark to survive. I didn't want to wait and then kill 400, or even 500 people, when we could act decisively. But when Jaha tried to volunteer himself to be one of the culled, I realised that was what I wanted, too. I wanted to be free of the guilt. But that was the weak way out. To live with what I had done was far worse." I lay a hand over his, lost for words. "You looked at me with such loathing, then, and when you inspired them to sacrifice themselves, I realised how wrong I'd been. I thought you were weak for not doing what had to be done, but you just had hope, when I didn't."

The words poured out of him like blood, turning him pale and unsure.

"I didn't hate you, you know," I said, only realising how true it was as I said it. "I hated what you represented; the truth. You were telling me with every action that my daughter would die on the ground. You were telling me without words that I would never have the strength to save everyone. I'm a doctor. What good am I when I can't save people?"

"We can't save everyone," he said. I didn't know if he spoke of our past or our future. "But now I will always choose to honour my pledge to protect my people. I betrayed it once, and I will never do it again. Even when they vote against me, even if I lose every shred of support here. You were right, Abby, all along. We need to be worthy of survival."

"No. First we survive. Then we find our humanity."

"Abby!" It was Jackson, running into the mess. "They've brought our injured." I didn't stop to ask who. I grabbed my bad and ran out into the courtyard. It was full of arkers, with heavily armed grounders bristling at the edges.

They had brought them in chains.

"What is this?" I asked, projecting my voice to carry over the mess.

"Indra?" Asked Marcus. His old friend looked sombre.

"I'm sorry, Kane," she said. "We couldn't see another way. Association with Skaikru has only ever brought destruction to the coalition. We're giving your people back to you, but we are no longer allies."

Marcus looked a little lost as he looked around at the fierce faces of the coalition, and the terrified arkers.

Marcus approached Indra and started talking quietly. I tried to ignore them as I turned my attention to the injured arkers.

There were too many, so I was relieved when some of the gawking bystanders came to help. Before I knew it, I was issuing instructions to volunteers, getting the worse injured sent back to Jackson, who I'd ordered back to the hospital. There were numerous knife and sword wounds that had been clumsily bandaged. A few even had bullet wounds. These had almost all festered. I knew we didn't have enough antibiotics for them all.

I remembered Clarke talking about the antibiotic plant they'd used for Jasper when he'd been stabbed by a grounder spear. If we could find enough of that…

I was interrupted in my thinking when I caught sight of Marcus, in the thick of the grounders. He was unarmed, and they all had their weapons out, even Indra. No matter her affection for him, I had no doubt which side she'd pick if they jumped him. She was reasoning with them, though. Marcus still wanted peace, and I was sure there would be a hefty price to pay for it this time. One man would not pay the blood that was owed, now that Lexa had gone.

The grounders retreated under Indra's glare, and the two old friends stood on opposite sides of a new dividing line, in a bubble between the mass of arkers and the line of grounder warriors.

I couldn't leave the injured, but it was causing me physical pain not to be part of their conversation, not to know what was happening.

I saw Clarke march across the yard and didn't try to stop her. She was our best bet at peace, as the woman who ended A.L.I.E.

I had to focus again as the patient I was tending to started to panic, and I put the politics out of my mind. After that patient, I knew I was needed more at the hospital.

The hospital was bedlam. Everywhere I turned, the people were in trouble. I got started alongside Jackson; it was better to do something, even if it was never going to be enough.

Clarke came in when I was with my third patient.

"Clarke," I said, "can you and Monty find the plant you used for Jasper, before we got to the ground? We're going to need it. As much as you can find."

She looked for a second like she might argue, but then she must have seen the infections. She was a doctor's daughter underneath everything else.

"Don't leave without weapons and a guard, and don't go far," I warned. I didn't have to. She knew the dangers.

"They won't attack," said Marcus, behind me. "As long as we stay here. Indra still leads Trikru, and in some ways, she's still our friend." The sadness in his eyes belied his words.

"Just not in any way that matters," I said sharply. I was angry at her. I thought she was worth more.

Marcus shook his head. "Don't judge her too harshly. She saved my life, even when I was chipped. She wouldn't kill me when I was trying to kill her. She doesn't want to make an enemy of us now, but her people are angry. We must respect that."

My people surrounded me, many dying. I didn't want to be reasonable, and I didn't want to hear Marcus's justifications.

"I have work to do," I said, but I was distracted now. I didn't like not knowing, and the grounders were a huge unknown. Raven had been right; trying to be a doctor and a leader made me terrible at both.


	4. Chapter 4

**Now that the first episode of season 4 is out, I'm finishing this story. I'm sure I'll write about the 100 again. Thank you everyone for your lovely supportive comments :D**

Chapter 4

Marcus stared at me for a few more moments and then walked away.

"Don't tell me Mum and Dad are fighting?" Asked Raven, with an ironic twist to her voice. I didn't ask. I knew, or should have known, that Marcus and I would never get privacy.

"Do you mind giving out some water?" I asked instead.

"On it," she said.

"Anything I can do?" It was Nathan. He looked worn, and the indent of the shackles were still pressed into his wrists, but he seemed unhurt, thank goodness.

"How's Brian?" Asked Raven immediately. I vaguely remembered treating Brian. The whirl of the day had left little time for anything but the stream of injuries. He'd come through well, I recalled. Probably a result of having a full time attendant in Nathan.

"Doc?" Asked Nathan.

"He'll be fine. You did a good job, Nathan." Nathan looked too worn to even accept the compliment. "You should be resting, too," I said. "Your dad won't forgive me if you collapse." I saw Sgt Miller also attending the wounded, under Jackson's supervision.

"I'll do water with Raven," he said. I didn't have the headspace to argue.

I didn't realise how late it had got until I stood up from one patient and stumbled into the bed. My ears roared and the room span around me.

"Abby?" Called Raven, but with her leg she couldn't make it in time. I crashed to the ground.

I awoke with a heavy sickness. I had over reached myself. I could feel the cold of an IV and shame washed over me. I was wasting resources that were needed for the truly injured. I opened my eyes to Marcus and Raven leaning over me.

"You ok, Doc?" Asked Raven. I nodded unconvincingly. Marcus looked exhausted; heavy black circles had been drawn under his eyes.

"Sorry," I said. Raven shook her head, smiling. I realised it was quiet and looked around. Everyone seemed to be sleeping. "How is everyone?" I asked.

"Great, thanks to you," said Raven.

"We only lost 3, and there was nothing you could have done about them," said Marcus, smiling stiffly. I stared at him, willing him to relax into a real smile. I tried to remember why he would be mad at me.

The tension must have been palpable, because Raven cleared her throat and mumbled something about 'leaving us to it'.

"What did I do?" I asked wearily.

"Abby," said Marcus, keeping his voice low. "Do you think you're replaceable? We need you. You can't risk your health like this." His tone was strict and his face did not relax.

"I didn't mean to use supplies we can't afford to waste," I said, genuinely chagrined.

"Abby, this isn't about supplies. When Clarke first left after Mt Weather you ran yourself ragged trying to take care of it all. It almost killed you. You can't do that again!" He was keeping his voice low to avoid waking anyone, but I could hear the insinuation of a raised voice.

"I can look after myself, Marcus. I'm more worried about what we're going to do about the grounder threat."

Marcus sighed. "I trust Indra," he said. "I know she just wants what's best. She's the leader of Trikru. I'm sure I can work this out."

A wave of fear washed over me. "You're going to go out there?" I sat up.

"If I go alone, they won't see me as a threat."

"No," I said firmly.

"If we don't make peace with the grounders, we won't live to work out how to survive the radiation."

"You're not going."

"I'm the best person. Indra trusts me."

"You take me, or you don't go," I said. I wasn't having him walking off to the grounders again. Not now. The first time he did that, they almost killed him. I could see the scar across his wrist, just above the fresh wound from the cross.

He looked at me carefully. I didn't know what he was seeing, but perhaps it convinced him. Or maybe he couldn't bear leaving either.

"If this doesn't work, we all die anyway," I said. His face seemed to soften as he realised the truth of my words.

"We can't leave them without a leader."

"They have a leader," I said. "Clarke saved them from A.L.I.E. They'll do anything for her."

He shook his head, but I sensed he wasn't disagreeing with me.

He leaned over and pressed my hand against his forehead. All trace of our brief fight seemed over until I tried to get up. The solution was finished, so I pulled the IV out of my hand.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm going to check on my patients," I said indignantly, bristling at his imperious tone.

"Abby," he said, but sighed and didn't continue straight away. "Please look after yourself," he said, and I had the sense it wasn't what he meant to say.

I smiled at him, sadly. "Get some sleep, Marcus. Chances are going to be few and far between."

"Only if you join me," he said, his half smile reasserting itself.

"I really need to check on my patients," I said, squirming uncomfortably. Part of me wanted nothing more than to go back to my bed with Marcus and lie in his arms, but I wanted to keep moving as well. I wanted to clear my mind of everything.

"They're not your patients right now, Abby. You need to let others do some of it. You need sleep." I looked up into his earnest brown eyes and found myself nodding.

"Not here," I said. Even as a child, I'd never rested well in hospital; the environment made me feel like I could be being helpful instead of lying down.

I swung my legs over the bed and stood slowly. Marcus offered his support.

We made our way slowly back to the privacy of my room.

When I woke up, it was to find myself once again in Marcus's arms. This time, he was awake before me. I tried to pretend I was still asleep so his arms would stay where they were, but he must have heard the change in my breathing.

"Morning," he murmured. "How do you feel?"

I was achy, but my head was clear. "Better," I said. My voice was still croaky. "What time is it?"

"It's still early," he said, "you didn't sleep for long."

"I need to start the day."

"Please don't. Not just yet," he whispered, tightening his arms slightly around me.

A shiver of nerves ran its way down my spine.

We had slept two nights in each other's arms with only one move towards picking up where we'd left off.

That was too long. We didn't have long enough to live anymore.


End file.
